the disintigration of wet ciggarettes

its past bed time,
or before i am not so sure anymore, but disintegration is everywhere.
the wire broke. again. and i joined a few sites.such a word whore to be battered and abused by decrepit has beens and pot smoking teenagers.i hope this doesn’t push me over.tho this time alone is doing wonders for my sanity.
i am seeing ghosts, becoming less paranoid, and losing weight, must come with losing my mind. still its nice to know that sometimes i am not alone.
but i am
work late
sleep late, fuck.
i have to find a way to get myself out of this cyclone. i will. and i will still be at the same local. same attic, but different liveslines crossed.the hurricanes have all but obliterated any sort of life i had to go back to. i am sure someone will tell me that’s a sign.and someone will call me dear friend.but will anyone tell me i love you? nah, that’s for the cards and sappy romance movies, things like that happen in real life but you have to pay dearly sever your arm to gain a good lay.i have been thinking about money making, site design, of course, affilates of course, and then there is suicide girls. everyone thinks i should do it. glorification, sublimination, fantasy, beauty, i would finally be one thing possesed by another time place that i never thought i would be.
and i suppose that is where glamour starts.and for the first time in nine months i must say with all this disintegration i need a cigarette...
..
its becoming a habit.
drinking double espressos round 6 pm.
i only wish it were real.
not the habit. the espresso. nescafe has come up with paper envelopes cylindrical, cynical. INSTANT.keeping me from shaving my head.not really. but dive bomb to coffee grounds that can't be swept up and away.
much like the missonaries that boxed me in tram number 8.
i pretended not to speak german (i don't)
i pretended not to speak french (i don't)
i pretended not to speak english (i don't)
i pretended to be japanese. and that worked.
they are coming to get me barbara, pub es sent... from the beehive land of zion, temples on every street trying to seal you upcause they want to get you on their list.and the poor man in front of me didn't know and the spoke, and traded pamphlets and when bellvue came up i said excuse me and forgot that they thought i couldn't wouldn't understand..
so i ran away.
and i know
tomorrow they
willring.
...